It is no secret that kids change all aspects of one’s life, including the relationship between you and your spouse. Inevitably one person will default to being the primary caregiver and the disparity between workloads can leave someone resentful. While my husband does do a lot to help keep the house running, it’s hard not to feel a little annoyed when I’m the one waking up in the middle of the night multiple times while J sleeps soundly. Based on the new mom forums I’m a part of, I was not alone in these feelings. I decided to do some research in how to navigate this new phase of marriage with a baby.
While forums are cathartic for airing frustrations, I personally like productive ways to address the issues. I came across a list of book recommendations for parents and these two fit the bill; Both books are targeted towards heterosexual, married couples, who both work and how kids affect their relationship.
“How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids” by Jancee Dunn
Ms. Dunn’s experience of household dynamic shifts post-baby is extremely relatable. The once simple and streamlined way of life of just you and your partner all of the sudden has an adorable grenade launched into it. Like Ms. Dunn, I felt the effects of gender roles seep into our way of life. Since I exclusively breastfeed M, I am the “default parent” meaning I’m taking point on all things baby. This is pretty natural but doesn’t mean nursing moms don’t also at times want to do something, anything else.
The struggle the author and her husband faced were name -calling (by her) and being distant (him). Her husband played chess online as a way of escaping from parent duties, which resulted in Ms. Dunn yelling obscenities at him.
I found the author’s name-calling of her husband off-putting, but it drove a point home that both parents have shortcomings. The takeaway from this book is to respect your partner and leave room to nurture your relationship with them.
“Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky
I greatly enjoyed Ms. Rodsky’s strategy on fair division of work between partners. Not only does she identify the problem, she goes into detail on how to implement her strategies to promote fairness when it comes to the division of labor surrounding housekeeping and child rearing. You can even buy the task cards she invented on Amazon.
What really stood out to me was the concept of owning a task from planning to execution. This was a “duh” moment. I found that I often spent brainpower planning out meals for and creating grocery lists when it is really J who does the majority of the grocery shopping and cooking (at least since M’s arrival). Slowly we’ve shifted so that J is owning the task of creating a menu for the week then buying the necessary ingredients and executing the meals. I’ll still cook one or two meals that I’m best at, but overall, it’s J who owns that task now.
Another important note about fair play is the ability to reshuffle task cards. No one person gets with cleaning the toilet bowl for the rest of eternity. It allows for realities to shake up schedules and routines but still maintain that someone has to own the task
Ms. Rodsky uses the term “unicorn space” to describe the time one needs to get back to themselves. Whether it be playing piano uninterrupted, painting, playing a sport with other adults or just reading mystery novels, it’s important for EACH parent to have that time to themselves. Rodsky argues it makes people better parents because you fill your own wants and needs and are better able to focus on your kids and marriage. I’ve seen it time and time again with the mothers in my life- They sacrifice a large part of who they are to fill the needs of their children, all while ignoring their health and mental well-being. But how can we continue to fill our children’s needs if we are running on empty?
How things are going 6 months in.
Marriage with a baby has a different set of struggles but also some amazing aspects too. With more limitations on what we can do, we have found a new rhythm. Rather than going out, people come visit us and we’ve even hosted a few game nights. Our TV consumption has increased, but so has our hobby time solely because we are on the go less.
Now that M is sleeping through the night and on a predictable schedule, life is feeling normal again. We are no longer in survival mode, we are thriving. J took ownership of several things I used to do such as cooking, outdoor maintenance (we used to share that task) and all things car or pet related. With the even distribution of chores, I don’t feel frustration or resentment when I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night to soothe a crying M. I believe I’ve found my unicorn space as well with blogging! I find it fun and interesting learning about WordPress and researching the various topics I write about. For J, working out is his unicorn space. Every night while I’m feeding M, he lifts weights in our garage gym with my brother. We each do something we enjoy daily.
Are there times I curse my husband and his useless nipples? Yes- I’d love an hour of me time every night. But with practice and patience, this parenting thing is easier than we expected. It’s normal to have an adjustment period with a major lifestyle change. But for those brand-new parents out there, just know that the hardships are temporary and while you are hopefully being mindful of your behavior towards your spouse, allow some grace for the short-tempered reactions and frustrations. It’s a tremendous amount of stress caring for a newborn, and you are doing great.